


All That I Am, All That I Ever Was

by taqarat



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, College Student Adam Parrish, I haven't read the leaked chapters., M/M, No Spoilers, Post-Opal (a Raven Cycle Story), Post-The Raven King
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-03-08 05:14:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18887887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taqarat/pseuds/taqarat
Summary: “Sorry, Parrish,” he rasped.“Stop fucking calling me that! I'm Adam. I'm Adam to you when things matter. When you’re telling the goddamn truth. Whatever this is… whatever you think you’re doing… it’s bullshit. Utter fucking bullshit and until you figure it out and just… just stop it…” His voice broke on that last bit and he put a hand over his mouth and turned away. It was a good thing because Ronan’s heart had shattered into a million shards on the bricks between them and Ronan knew deep in his gut there would be no way to ever make it whole again.Or: Ronan receives an alarming call from Mr. Gray and makes some tough decisions to keep his friends safe.





	1. One

“Ronan?” The surprise in Adam’s voice was obvious even over the phone line.

“Parrish,” Ronan replied, attempting to match his enthusiasm but failing miserably. He’d always been shit at acting.

“Wait. Let me document this. Ronan Lynch actually called me up of his own volition at…. 10:15 Tuesday, September…”

Ronan sighed heavily but let himself smile a little since no one could see him. It was good to hear Adam’s voice even if the reason sucked. “Ha fucking ha. Are you done?”

“I assume if someone was dying you would’ve interrupted me by now.”

“Obviously.”

“So what’s up, Lynch? What was important enough to end your streak of never actually instigating a call.”

Ronan closed his eyes and inhaled long and slow, then exhaled carefully. “I'm coming to see you this weekend.”

Adam scoffed out a little laugh, obviously in disbelief. Ronan couldn’t really blame him. Adam had started college three weeks ago and while he’d invited him to come up whenever, Ronan had been evasive about making any plans to do it.

“Really,” Ronan insisted.

“Wait, you’re serious? You’re not messing with me?"

“Nope.”

“Ro….. that’s… that’s great. I mean I’ll have to rearrange a few things but shit. That’s amazing.” It was obvious he was happy but Ronan could also discern his confusion and trepidation. Maybe a tiny bit of annoyance but he was tamping that down pretty well considering. He let Adam’s brain grind away at the logistics for a couple of long moments before chiming back in.

“I’ll get in Friday night around 8. I’ve booked a room at the Sheraton by campus. Meet me there?”

“Okay? I mean… you could….” He huffed a little sigh. “Yeah I’ll meet you there….. is everything okay?”

Ronan looked up at the ceiling. He wasn’t ready to lie yet. “You forgot your favorite hoodie here. I’ll bring it with. I was… I was thinking you could show me some of that snobby campus of yours.”

“Yeah. Okay.” Adam sounded relieved.

 

***

 

Ronan had texted Adam his room number so he wasn’t surprised to hear a knock on his door at a little after 8. That didn’t stop him from double checking through the peep hole to be sure it was him. It was kind of disconcerting how quickly the paranoia had settled so deeply into his bones. It was like it had always been there, just waiting to activate with one phone call from Mr. Gray.

A part of his brain told him to act cool when he opened the door but one look at Adam’s crooked smile and he couldn’t help pulling him roughly into his arms. The heavy door swung closed silently behind Adam and Ronan buried his face in his neck. Adam huffed out a surprised laugh before he melted into the embrace and hugged him back. 

“Missed you, dipshit,” Ronan mumbled into the collar of his shirt.

Adam pulled away to smile at him. “I missed you too.”

Ronan was afraid of what he might read on his face so he leaned in to kiss him. Adam kissed him back enthusiastically. It wasn’t long at all before the kiss grew into something more heated. Adam’s smile was replaced with hungry lips and roaming hands and shaky breaths.

Before Ronan realized what was happening they were sprawled on the bed. Adam, somehow already shirtless, was tugging off Ronan’s tee. “Wait. Slow down.” Ronan panted.

Adam pulled away a little embarrassed. “Sorry…it’s been a few weeks. I thought you’d be as eager as I am.”

“I am. Just…. just let me look at you for a minute.” He cupped his hand around Adam’s jaw and gazed at him, remembering every freckle that dusted his cheeks, memorizing the exact color of his eyes. Adam gazed back, a little worry line between his brows, then leaned in and kissed Ronan so softly he thought his heart would break.

Adam let him set the pace after that. It was slow and reverent so that Ronan could relish every moment of it. Sear it permanently into his memory.

As per usual, Adam fell asleep immediately after, which was fine with Ronan. It just gave him more time to look at him unguarded. To not have to hide the suffocating ache within his chest.

 

They woke to a crisp, sunny fall day, It wasn’t quite cold enough to justify the beanie and scarf Ronan was wearing, but he kept them on anyway despite Adam’s teasing. They got coffee and pastries at Adam’s favorite bakery. They walked through campus and Adam pointed out where his classes were. Showed him the library and his favorite places to study. They grabbed a late lunch from a food cart and watched a group play frisbee on the lawn. 

Adam had a study group that afternoon that he couldn’t get out of. He invited Ronan to tag along and meet his friends. Ronan declined and tried to ignore the hurt expression on Adam’s face. The fewer people that saw them together the better. They agreed to meet up that evening. 

So Ronan found himself on a footbridge over the Charles River alone in the dark. A well worn hoodie in his hand and a thousand pound weight on his shoulders. He’d never felt more alone.

He straightened when he saw Adam jogging toward him.

“Sorry. We ran a bit late. Have you been here long?”

Ronan just shook his head and handed him the hoodie. Adam thanked him. 

“I brought you something else. It’s a dream thing so I didn’t spend any money on it,” Ronan said, pulling the item from his pocket. It was a thin leather bracelet, much like what he wore, but with a plain silver bar in the middle. He placed it gently in Adam’s hand without making eye contact. 

“It’s beautiful.”

“Will you wear it?”

“Yeah. Of course, Ronan. I love it.”

“Like all the time? Even when I’m not around?”

“Yeah…”

“No matter what happens?” He knew he was making it weird but he had to make sure.

Adam tilted his head and squinted at him. “When are you going to tell me what’s going on?”

Shit. He’d pushed it too far. “What do you mean?”

Adam’s shoulders slumped in defeat. “Jesus Christ, Lynch, really? You’re really…?” He looked up at the stars, visibly frustrated. 

Ronan wasn’t ready to do this but fuck. Now or never. “Look Parrish…” he started but couldn’t find the words to continue. He shook his head and looked down at his feet.

Adam closed his eyes and visibly gritted his teeth. “You know what? Fuck this. I know this situation sucks. This long distance…. but I've tried Ronan. I call all the time. I share what’s going on with me. And today? Today I tried to share my life with you; showing you the important shit and you’ve given me nothing. Fucking nothing, Ronan. I might as well be talking to a blow up doll. You don’t make eye contact, you barely acknowledge anything. You just sigh these heartbreaking sighs with your damn furrowed brow and….” he paused and caught his breath. Then, quieter, “You’ve got to give me _something_ , Ronan.”

Finally an opening that made sense. An opening for the lies he’d lined up on his tongue.

“What can I give you that you don’t already have? You clearly belong here and… I don’t. At all. There isn’t anything for me here. No place for me in this life of yours. And it’s fine. I get it. I see it now.”

Adam reeled back in shock. “What are you taking about? Of course there is a place for you… what… Jesus what do you mean?”

“I mean I don’t want to spend the rest of my life listening to you nerd out about grades and degrees and internships and promotions. I don’t care about all that shit and I can see now that that’s what’s most important to you. I'm happy for you - that you’ve found the right path, that you have everything you always dreamed. It’s just becoming more and more clear that I don’t have a place in it.”

Adam fisted his hands in the hair at the back of his neck. “Fuck that. You knew, you’ve known from the beginning what my….” Then he stopped abruptly, shook his head and dropped his arms. He took several long breaths looking out at the water then turned to him and gritted out, “When are you going to tell me what this is really about?”

Ronan shook his head sadly, silently insisting that he’d said all he was planning to say. “Sorry, Parrish,” he rasped.

“Stop fucking calling me that! I'm Adam. I'm Adam to you when things matter. When you’re telling the goddamn truth. Whatever this is… whatever you think you’re doing… it’s bullshit. Utter fucking bullshit and until you figure it out and just… just stop it…” His voice broke on that last bit and he put a hand over his mouth and turned away. It was a good thing because Ronan’s heart had shattered into a million shards on the bricks between them and Ronan knew deep in his gut there would be no way to ever make it whole again.

“I don’t know why you’re doing this, Ronan, but I hate it and I hate you right now for pulling this shit and just… I'm going to go but I really fucking hope you figure your shit out soon.” He stormed away, his shoulders up by his ears, one hand still over his mouth.


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He listened to Gansey's latest message. ‘Ronan please pick up. I'm really worried. We’re really worried. Just tell me what’s going on. I spoke with Adam…. just call me back and let me know you’re okay? Please.”
> 
> Ronan texted him. 'i'm ok. figuring some shit out but promise i’m ok.'
> 
> What was one more lie.

Ronan went home to an empty house. He put up the new defenses for the Barns that he’d been dreaming up. He spent the next few days thinking about other ways to protect himself, his home. Tried not to think about what Adam might be thinking or feeling.

Adam had called twice the night he left but not since. Ronan hadn’t picked up and Adam hadn’t left a message. Ronan told himself it was good he was mad. Better that than any of the alternatives. Gansey had called a dozen times since that night, each time leaving voicemails that he hadn’t listened to. Ronan wanted to throw his phone in the pond or at least shut it off but Mr. Gray promised to let him know if he had any more news and Ronan couldn’t afford to miss that call.

There were a lot of things Ronan wanted to do but couldn’t: drink himself numb; drive the BMW at 100 miles an hour; cut his fucking tongue out of his mouth for all the lies he’d had to tell Adam. 

But he couldn’t do those things. He also couldn’t sleep or eat. He’d puked that night after he left Adam. The words he’d said and the emotions he felt all churning together in his gut like a toxic stew. Since then the idea of food made him nauseous. 

His phone rang again one night as he sat on the edge of the bed he’d once shared with Adam, feeling sorry for himself. It was Gansey again. That was one loose end he hadn’t figured out yet. He’d have to talk to him at some point or risk him showing up in person. He just didn’t know what to say yet. Luckily the trio was still three states away and not planning to be back in Virginia until Ronan’s birthday. By then he’d have the Barns secure. 

He listened to the latest message. ‘Ronan please pick up. I'm really worried. _We’re_ really worried. Just tell me what’s going on. I spoke with Adam…. just call me back and let me know you’re okay? Please.”

Ronan texted him. i _'m ok. figuring some shit out but promise i’m ok._

What was one more lie.

 

****

 

Ronan drove the next day to Fox Way on his dreamed motorcycle. It was quiet and fast and less conspicuous than the BMW.

Maura opened the door before he knocked and led him to the kitchen. “I hoped you’d come by,” she said as he slumped into a chair at the table. She poured him some tea that he accepted without question. He needed all the help he could get, even if it was in the form of stinky soggy herbs. 

“Did Mr. Gray tell you? About the chatter?” he asked.

“He did. Anything more specific yet?” 

“Nothing. Have you….seen anything?” he asked, sheepishly.

Maura sat in the chair across from him and blew on her own mug of tea. “I’m sure Blue filled you in on the St. Mark’s Eve watch?” 

He nodded. She had, months ago. No one they knew, no one that seemed out of the ordinary. “She also said that’s a promise and not a guarantee.” He threw that out with the hope that she would assure him that it was more reliable than that. He desperately needed some reassurance.

“She’s right. And as I’ve mentioned before, there are places in the area, especially dreamed places, that we have a hard time seeing into.”

Ronan set his mug down heavily in frustration. “Boston isn’t dreamed. DC isn’t dreamed. Whatever state the fucking Camaro is in isn’t dreamed.”

Maura was unfazed at his outburst. She just looked at him cooly over the rim of her own mug until he’d taken a few calming breaths. “Trust me that I’ll tell you if I see or hear anything pertinent, okay?” 

Ronan nodded. He needed to play nice. There were only so many people he could talk to about this. He put his elbows on the table and pressed his temples between the heels of his hands. 

“What does Declan have to say about all of it?” she asked.

“He doesn’t know.”

“Isn’t he in the business? Wasn’t he the one handling all this stuff for years?”

“Not anymore. He paid up as many of my dad’s old debts and promises as he could and closed up shop.”

“Oh, that’s right. Blue told me he was working for some politician.”

“Interning for a goddamn conservative Christian fuckwad,” he corrected.

“Didn’t I hear you sent 100 rainbow balloons to Declan’s office on his first day?”

“They were condoms and I had 50 delivered.”

“50 condoms?”

“50 cases.”

Maura let out a whoop of laughter at that that warmed his soul more than he’d admit.

“Well played. Still. He should know that people are looking for the Greywaren again.”

“He protected me from all this shit for years. It’s my turn to worry about it all now.”

“And Adam? Does he have any ideas for how to deal with it?”

Ronan soldiered through another sip of the tea. “Doesn’t know either.”

She raised one judgmental brow at him. “I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that trust and communication are the basis of any healthy relationship. You can’t keep this from your partner.”

“I know. That’s why I broke up with him.”

It was Maura’s turn to set down her mug heavily. “Does he know why?”

Ronan just stared her down as his answer. She pursed her lips in knowing disapproval which pissed him off. He knew he was just feeling defensive but he was sure he’d made the right choice.

“What if it were Blue?” he asked. “What if your only daughter was dating the Greywaren? Wouldn’t you warn her away from me? Wouldn’t you want her far, far away from all of this? Wouldn’t you want to keep her safe?”

“Probably. But I also know if I made that decision for her I might lose her forever.” Ronan could tell that she thought she’d won that hand. Which was disappointing, because he was holding the trump card that he never wanted.

“Wouldn’t you risk losing her forever if it meant saving her life?”

It turned out Maura was annoyingly adept at the unnerving silence that Ronan thought he’d perfected. He finally surrendered the game.

“And no, before you ask, Gansey and Blue and Henry don’t know either and I’d appreciate if you didn’t tell them.”

“You can’t do this alone, Ronan.”

Ronan stood and headed for the door. He thought of all the times he’d stormed out of this house. How many times he’d left while bumping shoulders with Adam and hiding a smile. How many times he’d marched out with the group feeling like the world was theirs and they could achieve anything. Now he left alone, shoulders slumped in defeat, brow furrowed with worry.He paused at the door. “Gansey once told me that while the dreaming was mine, they were all in the blast zone. He was right at the time. I can’t let that be true anymore.”

 

 

****

 

The perimeter alarm went off at dawn the following Saturday. Ronan scrambled out of bed and onto the front porch, adrenaline pumping, barefoot and defenseless. Despite all his planning he maybe had some kinks to work out in his strategy. Luckily it was just Adam in his shitbox car.

“Jesus Christ, Parrish. You gave me a heart attack,” he panted as Adam emerged from the driver’s seat.

“Since when does parking in your driveway cause a medical emergency?” Adam’s voice was crisp and formal. He was pissed.

“Since I put in an alarm system,” he admitted grudgingly.

“Does that have anything to do with why the tarot cards said you were in danger?”

_Shit_. 

Adam rubbed a hand across his eyes. He looked really tired and a little sad. He walked over so that he was just a few feet away from Ronan. He half sat on the front of his car and crossed his arms.

“Where’s Opal?”

There wasn’t much point lying to him anymore. While Ronan normally loved the fact that Adam was stubborn and inquisitive it was coming back to bite him in the ass now. He sighed in defeat. “In the new Cabeswater.”

Adam nodded like he wasn’t surprised. “When were you going to tell me you’d finished it?”

“I haven’t finished it. I just got it good enough for now. It’s safer for her there.”

“It looked pretty good to me,” Adam tossed out casually. Ronan’s head whipped up in surprise. “I scried a few days ago. I saw her there.”

"Jesus Parrish. You scried alone? You know that’s not safe."

“Yeah well you didn’t give me much choice, Ronan. I knew you were lying when you came to see me. I had to figure out the truth somehow.”

“Did anyone ever tell you that sometimes you’re too smart for your own good?”

Adam just looked down at his feet. “She looked happy there. Opal.” 

Ronan nodded. “She was ready.”

“Tell me what’s going on. Why the alarm system? Why are you cutting off ties with me and the rest of our friends?”

Ronan sat down on the steps, wrapped his hands around the back of his head. He sighed deeply as Adam sat down beside him. “Mr. Gray called me two weeks ago. Said activity has been picking back up in the magical artifacts circle.”

“What? Why? it’s been quiet for almost a year now.”

“Yeah well, he thinks the business with the demon and the death of the Greenmantles scared everybody off for a while but that can only last so long. We’ve been lucky to have the time we’ve had. He said there’s chatter about the Greywaren again. Says he’s afraid someone might suspect it’s a person.”

“Shit. Jesus Ronan.”

“And Opal said someone was here, at the Barns over the summer. She kept it a secret because she was scared she’d get in trouble but there was a woman snooping around. She got on my laptop, tried to get into the long barn. She saw Opal.”

“Do they suspect it’s you?”

“Not sure. Only a matter of time though I think.”

Adam was quiet for a long time. Ronan didn’t blame him, it was a lot to process.

“What if you run? Dream up a fake identity and come live in Boston or anywhere.”

Ronan shook his head. “If they can’t find me they might go after Matthew and Declan. If they snoop for even 10 minutes they’ll figure out my connections to Gansey, to you. We can’t all disappear and I can’t put everyone in danger.”

“Jesus,” Adam stood, and started pacing. “Christ. So your plan was what… seal yourself off here by yourself? For how long?”

Ronan shrugged. “It’s my problem. I just need to keep everyone else safe… contain the blast zone.”

“Fuck Ronan! You’re really going to just live here by yourself forever and hope they never find a way in?”

“I don’t know what else to do, Adam!…. I just wanted…” His voice cracked embarrassingly and he buried his head in his arms.

“God Ro.” Adam sat back down and pulled Ronan to him so his head was buried in his chest. He rocked him gently and rubbed his back as Ronan tried desperately to keep it together. He was not successful.

“I'm scared Adam. I'm scared of what they’ll do to me if they find me. I'm scared of what they’ll do to those I love if they don’t.”

Adam held him a long time. Finally he murmured, “let’s go lay down, okay? I drove all night and I need to sleep. I'm guessing you do too. Let’s lay down for a couple of hours then we’ll make a plan. Together okay? No more of this martyrdom bullshit.”

Ronan just nodded and they went inside.


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ronan took a long deep breath. “I’m sorry by the way. I'm sorry for the shit I said that night.”
> 
> Adam smiled ruefully. “Good thing you’re a terrible liar.”
> 
> Ronan grinned back. “Good thing you’re a confidant fucker that never believed I’d want to break up with you.”
> 
> Adam’s smile widened and his ears turned pink. “That’s on you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this mostly written and had posted the first two chapters when I heard the news about the leaked segments of Call Down the Hawk. I haven't read them so there are NO SPOILERS here but it did throw me in to a little bit of a tailspin. It was so tempting to read the leaked chapters but then I knew I'd hate everything I'd written here. So those of you that have read CDTH just ignore how this is not canon and not professionally written and all that. And those, like me that haven't read it well, we can wait in suspense until November together.

Ronan woke several hours later with the sunlight streaming into his room. Adam was still asleep, resting on his side facing him. Ronan gazed at his tanned, freckled face, his relaxed hands, his long lean body. He reached out and brushed his fingertips along the exposed strip of skin at his waist. 

Adam’s eyes fluttered open but it took him a long while to fully wake up. Eventually he took a long deep inhale and rubbed his eyes. He stretched and glanced at the clock on the bedside table that said it was approaching noon. Ronan just breathed and watched him. That still felt like a lot.

Once Adam settled in to look at him with a worried frown Ronan finally had to turn his head away. He studied the cracks in the ceiling and tugged on his leather bracelets. Adam reached out and rested his palm on Ronan’s bicep, his thumb rubbing gentle circles into his skin. Ronan breathed a little deeper.

“Don’t think we’re not going to talk about the stunt you tried to pull last week,” Adam said, voice soft in the quiet room.

Ronan sighed. “I was just trying to… to let you focus on school.”

Adam scoffed harshly. “And breaking my heart was supposed to make me do that?”

“No. God. You just started at Harvard. You’re doing what you’ve always dreamed. You should be free to focus on that. I didn’t want this to be your battle.”

“You know how much I love it when people make decisions about my life for me,” Adam said dryly.

Ronan threw an arm over his eyes. Adam pulled it back down.

“I knew, Ronan. I knew what I was signing up for the night I kissed you back. I knew this would be a hard path, maybe the hardest one I could’ve chosen and I still chose it. And I would again in a heartbeat. Just like you chose me.”

Ronan turned his face toward him again. “You always were a fan of the hardest path. Stubborn asshole.” He took a long deep breath. “I’m sorry by the way. I'm sorry for the shit I said that night.”

Adam smiled ruefully. “Good thing you’re a terrible liar.”

Ronan grinned back. “Good thing you’re a confidant fucker that never believed I’d want to break up with you.”

Adam’s smile widened and his ears turned pink. “That’s on you.”

Ronan considered that. It was probably true. When he first expressed his feelings for him Adam had hardly believed him. It had taken months of showing Adam over and over again for him to believe he was worthy of anything more than a crush. The fact that Adam was so sure of it now might be Ronan’s greatest accomplishment.

Adam lifted his arm over their heads to admire his new bracelet. “So what does this do?” he asked.

Ronan brushed his finger along the silver part. “The coordinates for the new Cabeswater appear here if…. if anything happens to me. So you can take Matthew there. Chainsaw too if you can find her.”

Adam let his arm fall to Ronan’s chest. He turned his head into Ronan’s shoulder and pressed his eyes closed there for a long while.

Ronan was working up the nerve to ask Adam how long he was able to stay when one of Ronan’s own bracelets started buzzing like a silenced cell phone. ‘“Fuck!” he muttered as he scrambled out of bed.

“What is that?” Adam asked as he followed Ronan’s lead.

“The alarm system. Someone else is here.”

Adam had the brilliant foresight to cross into Declan’s room where there was a window that looked over the driveway.

”It’s the Pig,” he called over his shoulder in relief.

 

The sun glinted harshly off the Camaro’s hood as they emerged from the house to greet their friends. Adam hung back on the porch while Ronan sauntered down the steps into the driveway.

Blue was out of the car before it could come to a complete stop. She marched straight up to Ronan and punched him in the shoulder. Hard. “That’s for pulling this stupid macho bullshit like a stupid macho jerk. God.” Then her face crumpled and the next thing Ronan knew she was hugging him tight around his middle. “You asshole,” she said, voice watery.

Gansey and Henry had emerged from the Pig as well and walked around the front of the car to join them. “We may have talked to Maura on our way into town,” Gansey explained.

“Didn’t she warn you that it’s dangerous for you to come here?” Ronan asked.

“She mentioned it, yes. I think that’s why she told us anything at all.”

“We sent robobee ahead,” Henry assured.

Gansey smiled at something over Ronan’s shoulder and he turned to see Adam on the porch, barefoot, hair all sleep-mussed, beautiful.

“You guys are back together,” Gansey stated through his brilliant smile.

Adam shrugged casually. “The breakup didn’t really take.”

Blue released Ronan and went up to hug Adam on the porch. Henry lifted his hand for robobee to land on and followed, bumping fists with Adam before the three went inside the house. 

Gansey approached Ronan, hands in his pockets, half a grim smile on his lips, concerned wrinkles on his forehead. “I feel like there’s a lot to say right now,” he said.

Ronan just stuffed his own hands in his pockets. There _was_ so much to say and none of it could make it past the lump in his throat. He wanted to tell him that he was scared. Scared for himself but more scared about putting everyone he loved in danger. That he was angry at the greedy fuckers that wanted him for their collections. Angry at his father for dangling the concept of a Greywaren to tempt them. But mostly he wanted to say how grateful he was. Grateful that despite his attempts to keep them safe, his friends, his love, his _family_ had come to help him. He ached with all that he wanted to say.

Ronan looked at the plum tree that hung over the drive, heavy with fruit. He looked at his shoes. He looked at anything but Gansey’s soft expression. The incredible thing was that he didn’t need to say any of it. Gansey knew. “Consider it said,” Ronan croaked. He ached with how well he was known.

***

They found themselves gathered in the kitchen. The familiar sounds and smells of his home soothed the edges of Ronan’s nerves. It was the smell of coffee as Adam went about making a pot. It was the sound of Henry shuffling through the fridge with quiet exclamations of ‘gross’ and ‘ah ha’. It was the sight of Gansey and Blue sitting at the table as natural as if they’d always been there. It was the familiar feel of the smoothed butcher block on his palms as he leaned against the counter. It all made it easier for him to set out all the information he had about the latest search for the Greywaren.

The rest of the group had seemingly endless questions and clarifications. Eventually Adam handed him a mug of coffee and sat next to him on the counter signifying the end of question period and the beginning of the planning session.

The first suggestion out of Gansey's mouth was the same that Adam’s had been that morning. Run. Assume a new identity. 

Ronan refused for the same reasons he’d told Adam earlier.

Adam suggested dreaming up a non-dreamer double. One that would would divert the chase but not be able to dream if they caught him. 

Ronan refused.

Blue suggested dreaming up a dead double if they got close. One that appeared to have just committed suicide so that they’d call of the search.

Ronan refused.

There were other suggestions, all variations of plans he’d already thought of. All of them involving dreaming up new people or putting already living people in more danger than himself. Ronan kept refusing, each time with less patience than before.

Gansey said, “What if you dream up someone that…”

“Fuck,” Ronan interrupted exasperated. “I’m not dreaming up another person again. Ever. I’ve already thought of all this shit and I’m not doing it.”

Blue clearly did not like getting snapped at. “Can you stop being a stubborn dick for one second? We’re trying to help.”

She was right but that only made him more irritated. “I think I made it pretty clear from the start that I didn’t want any goddam help." He muttered before storming out.

He didn’t get far. When he stepped out into the back garden he found three deer snacking on the remnants of his vegetables. It was annoying but it was the kind of simple, domestic annoying he missed. “Git you freeloaders,” he said, way too softly to make a difference. They just blinked their huge eyes at him and kept on munching. He grabbed the bucket of oats from under the porch that he kept handy and pushed them away from his greens to eat from his hand.

He wasn’t surprised to hear the back screen creak open a few minutes later. He was surprised that it was Henry that had followed him out. He sauntered over to Ronan silently and reached for the bucket with his eyebrows raised in question. Henry had always been too polished for his taste; too flippant, too engaged in absurd pop culture shit that Ronan would never care about. But Ronan was discovering he was surprisingly perceptive. He was good at letting the silence be when it needed to. Good at interpreting Ronan and the rest of them even when words weren’t forthcoming. Good at knowing when to push forward and when to sit back. 

Ronan tilted the bucket to let him take a handful. Henry put some on his palm and let out a disarmingly real laugh when one of the deer nuzzled his hand. 

Eventually the deer wandered off into the field having had their fill. Henry and Ronan watched them go. Ronan was feeling much more calm than before. 

Robobee flew up to them, hovering in front of Ronan’s face for a moment before landing on Henry’s arm.

“Remember that day?” Henry asked quietly as he watched his bee walk across his hand. “The big one. When you all….”

Ronan nodded. There was only one day that he could be talking about.

“When we found Gansey in the tunnel, after he’d taken off by himself,” Henry continued. “Do you remember the look on his face?”

Ronan did remember. The shock, the relief. “He never believed we’d follow,” Ronan confirmed.

“And do you remember what you said?” 

Ronan quirked a brow. 

“You dumb shit.”

Ronan tucked his chin in, mildly offended. 

“That’s what you said. ‘You dumb shit’,” Henry clarified. “Beautifully succinct I might add.”

Ronan smirked. He didn’t remember saying that but it sounded like him. Henry glanced over at him with one eyebrow quirked.

“What?” Ronan asked.

“ _You dumb shit_ ,” he repeated, meaningfully.

Ronan huffed out half a laugh but shook his head. Henry may be trying to imply that him taking this on alone was the same, but it just wasn’t. “That was Gansey,” Ronan argued. He didn’t need to explain that he was their leader, their king. Henry was just as loyal a follower as the rest of them now.

Henry lifted his hand and robobee took off into the sky again. He turned back toward the house but paused at the door and gave Ronan a sad little smile. “You dumb shit.”

 

 

Ronan took his time following Henry back in the house but when he did, he sat at the table with Gansey and Blue. Henry brought over a platter of grilled sandwiches that looked and smelled amazing. 

Adam pulled up a chair too and looked Ronan hard in the eye. “We have a plan that you might not hate.”

They spent the rest of the day and most of the night fine tuning the plan. Together. They consulted Mr. Gray, Declan, the women of Fox Way. Ronan allowed the help with the condition that Adam would go back to school; that Declan’s only involvement was to protect Matthew and himself; that the trio would continue their road trip. 

 

The plan was essentially to concede that the Graywaren _was_ a person but to prove it was Niall Lynch and only Niall all along. Mr. Gray would let Laumonier (who was constantly hot on his tail ever since he’d shot one of them) get close enough that he would barely escape, leaving behind his laptop. On it would be all the dreamed up evidence he would need. Evidence that Mr. Gray had gone underground because he feared Colin Greenmantle’s wrath when he discovered he’d killed the very thing they were looking for. That he had done extensive research into the three sons, hoping the trait had been passed down but no such luck. That he did have leads on others with similar abilities that he was going to pursue in various remote corners of the earth.

It wasn’t perfect but with all of them contributing ideas and Ronan busy dreaming up the necessary parts, it was pretty close.

 

 

They gathered in the driveway for their goodbyes on Sunday night. It had been decided that the shitbox would remain at the Barns and the trio would drive Adam back to Cambridge. They’d drive all night, avoiding traffic, and Adam could sleep and catch up on homework in the back seat. If it went according to plan they’d make it back in time for his Monday classes.

In the trunk was the dreamed up laptop and various other ‘evidence’ that Gansey would hand off to Mr. Gray at a prearranged location in Boston. From there it would mostly be in his hands. There were also other dreamed objects for all of them, for protection and communication. Adam wore his bracelet of course. Blue had an anklet, Gansey a new watch, Henry’s looked like a class ring. Ronan hoped it would be enough.

One by one they approached Ronan to say their goodbyes. Henry came first, bumping his fist. “Don’t be a dumb shit,” he said with a wink.

Ronan huffed a little laugh and shoved at his shoulder playfully.

Blue was next. She hugged him fiercely around his middle again. While the last embrace had been full of anger and worry, this one was full of reassurance. It felt like hope. He hugged her back.

Adam approached Ronan next. He pulled Ronan close and murmured in his ear. “Remember your promise.” 

Ronan nodded. He would remember. He’d made it only an hour before when they’d had their own private goodbye. They’d been in Ronan’s bedroom, the low light of the evening giving the room a blue hue. Ronan had been dreaming up the last few items they needed for the plan. He’d woken up to find Adam sitting next to him on the bed, his arms wrapped around one leg. His chin resting on his knee, his eyes on Ronan.

“Watching me sleep you creepy fucker?” Ronan had asked fondly.

“Yeah,” Adam had admitted readily and if the fact that he wasn’t snarking back hadn’t got Ronan’s attention, the crack in his voice had.

“Hey,” Ronan had said gently. “What’s up?”

Adam looked away and then back. “You have to tell me shit Ronan.”

“I… I do.”

“No. You don’t. Not the important stuff. You didn’t tell me about not dreaming all summer. Not until you had black shit streaming down your face. And last week? Fuck! You weren’t going to tell me about any of this at all. Not until I drove all night and forced you to.”

Ronan had looked away and opened his mouth to make an excuse but Adam interrupted by swinging his leg over the top of Ronan and straddling him. He’d looked down at Ronan with a fiercely determined look. “No. Don’t say you were trying to protect me from your battles, because that’s bullshit. When we chose each other, we chose each other’s battles too. We never said it but you know it’s true.” 

Ronan had nodded. It sure as hell was true for him. 

Adam had continued in his anguished voice. ”I can’t go back to Cambridge if I don’t know if you’ll be safe. I won’t be able to concentrate on school if I can’t trust you to tell me if something is wrong. I can’t bear to have this thing on my wrist if it’s the only way for me to know that you’re still alive. I’m serious Ronan. You _have_ to call me. You have to tell me if something is going on with you, I have to know I can trust you to do that.”

Ronan would’ve agreed to anything just to make the quiver in his voice go away. To take the pained expression off his face. “Okay. I will, Adam.”

“Promise me.”

“I promise, Adam. I promise.”

Adam had seemed to finally believe him. He’d just rested his forehead against Ronan’s and took long, even breaths. 

Ronan had reached up and stroked his back soothingly. “It’s a good plan, Adam. It’ll work.”

Adam had nodded.

"Once we hear Laumonier has taken the bait I’ll come see you, okay? This time I’ll come to your dorm, meet your friends.”

“Okay.” 

“And when you come back for fall break we’ll go see the new Cabeswater and Opal together.”

“Yeah.” Adam had said and pulled back to attempt a weak smile.

Ronan had needed to give him more reassurance. He’d flipped them both over so that he hovered over Adam and kissed him gently. He’d pulled back and looked at Adam’s worried face. He'd kissed him again on the corner of his mouth. Then his jaw, then his neck. He’d pressed his intention into every square inch of skin he could find. I promise, the first few had said. I’ll be safe said the next ten. I love you, said the dozens after that.

Eventually, Adam had been overwhelmed by the tenderness and flipped them back over to take the next steps into his own hands. Ronan had smiled up at the ceiling at his predictability.

Afterwards they had laid tangled impossibly together in the dark. Adam had dozed peacefully. Ronan had alternated between being deliriously happy that he had Adam back and heartbreakingly sad that he was leaving again soon. Eventually a gentle knock on the door let them know it was time to go.

 

So now, back in the driveway, Ronan rested his forehead on Adam’s. “I promise,” he breathed, then pulled back to look him in the eye. Adam gave him a small smile then a tender kiss and climbed into the back of the Pig. 

Gansey was the last one left and he closed the trunk before he approached Ronan. They both looked down at the gravel beneath their feet. Ronan could almost see his father’s blood that had spread there years before. It was never far from his mind when he was in the driveway. He knew Gansey could see it was on his mind.

“It’s a good plan,” Gansey finally said.

Ronan had said those very words to Adam just an hour before but, it helped to hear them from Gansey.

“Drive safe,” Ronan murmured not failing to see the irony. “You’ve got practically my whole heart in that car.”

“I will.” Gansey stepped forward and wrapped one arm around his neck. “It’s going to be okay,” he said quietly into his ear. And even though he said it in his regular Gansey voice and not his kingly voice, Ronan believed him. For the first time in a long time he believed it to be true.


End file.
